These past two weeks have been kind of emotional one for some reason. I have had bouts of teetering from being on the verge of crying to just full out bawling. I do not know why this is. I wish I had an answer.
Then, there has been Brylea. She is back to hurting again. Especially in her hands. She cries about EVERYTHING. She is demanding. She is annoying. She is trying. And I just want to be able to take a deep breath since Summer has started. I thought that summer would be easy. Afterall, its Texas and the heat should be good for her joints. I am wrong.
I also admit that my faith usually gets me through. I wish I could sit here and type that I found verse after verse to calm me and get me through this but I have not. I don't have a spiritual application for what I am going through right now. I just consider it a trial and at this point I can sadly say that I am allowing Satan to get to me. I see my daughter limping, trying to keep up, and even trying to get dressed. Normal tasks that any 3 (almost 4 yo) should be able to do with ease without getting wore out but she cannot. Sunday was my breaking point. I was sitting in the car talking with hubby about how I felt. I want to say I am doing everything that I can to help her but I know in my heart I am not. When she turns 20 and looks back on her childhood can she smile at the fact that her parents did all they could so that she could have a fulfilling life?? Or (in my always negative thinking) will she be crippled, look back and wonder why we did not do enough or why she wasn't loved enough to fight for.
I know I am just "being a girl" but these are things that I am truly struggling with right now amidst other things that just seem to be piling on. I think I have been in "protector" mode for so long that I have yet to truly process the fact that my daughter has arthritis. I have had to be strong for everyone else that it is finally hitting me. I am finally starting to grieve about this.
I have heard of another pediatric rhuematologist that has recently moved her practice from Houston to the Ft Worth area. I have decided to give her a call and get yet another opinion on how to treat Brylea. I am wanting to go to a Dr. that is the same Dr. I see every visit without having to go through all of Brylea's history (again) and get a new diagnosis/viewpoint each time. I excitedly called today because I felt like I am moving forward with my daughter. However, the soonest they can get Bry in is December 4th. I am alittle discouraged since I wanted her to be seen before the cold snap comes back. But I also know that it is better than never. I am asking for prayers for not only Brylea but for myself as well. I am letting Satan defeat me right now. I know God has an awesome plan but my soul is too weary to look onward on what that is. Thank you to all of those that still ask about Brylea and let me know that you are still praying!!
