First of all, let me start out by saying that this is not a Brylea update. Its more of a "Whiny Mom" alert. I have been struggling with so much here lately and most of it I have been struggling alone. I am not coming here for sympathy but more of getting the answer to "Am I the only one?"
One of the things I have been dealing with is just feeling like a total letdown of a mom. It is already July and usually I am on the ball with fundraising for Brylea and the Arthritis Foundation. This year I totally blew it! I have to raise another $1400 in 13 days and I do not have what it takes to get to that number. I hate asking for money. I hate begging. I hate the sympathy of associating it to Brylea. Brylea *still* talks about Great Wolf Lodge and this year I am going to have to skirt the issue that we will not be going this year. I hate that since I connect with so many parents going through and understanding what I am going through. I know Brylea is still young but I was hoping to get her to a point where she can make lifelong friends that struggle with exactly what she struggles with. Especially since Brylea is entering Kindergarten this year. I am secretly terrified for her!
Then, there is Brylea in general. I have made it no secret that she has been my difficult child from birth. This is no exaggeration. She whines and cries constantly. And yells. And throws fits. And still wets the bed at night. I am continuously torn over the fact that I love her but more times than not I am wanting space from her. Last night I felt convicted as she came into our room last night (on her own) and said softly, "Mom, I love you and you are the best mom ever!" It is those moments that I know God gives me to remind me that she is His and that I have been blessed by her and not the other way around. She has an outgoing personality that outshines what she battles internally everyday. I do not know what it is like to be her and I would trade her in heartbeat. I KNOW THIS! But, there are days when "Brylea being Brylea" clouds those thoughts. I LOVE my baby girl and I remind Nathan constantly that this is the child HE prayed for and wanted. She is a daddy's girl. Which has put me in the bad parent position of giving her reality checks daily. I just want to know if I am the only one....am I the only mother who is impatiently counting down the days where I can fully enjoy my beautiful daughter without her driving me crazy?? I ask for prayers in this and my struggle with overlooking her flaws like God does in me and seeing the good and fun in Brylea everyday.
I am sorry if this is a post you were not expecting but due to my connections in this matter being very few and far between I needed an outlet. And in a bad way. I hope I am not being taken wrong either. Just a mom...who loves her daughter...who admits to having bad days. That is all.
You are not the only one!!!! I struggle with Hannah on a daily basis. Granted, she does not have any medical issues, but she has the attitude of a rebellious teenager I swear!! (just turned 6!) But like you said, there are moments that remind me that it's all worth it and that I love her so much it hurts me to try and fully comprehend my love for her. No, you are not the only one. No, you are not failing as a mom. Not sure if this blog post will help you, but a friend posted it this morning and it was one of the first things I read. It made me feel better. http://www.conversiondiary.com/2013/07/21-tips-for-survival-mode.html
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way some days... Every kid is different and presents different challenges.... and some of those challenges are worse than others (from my perspective, of course). Bry is a ray of sunshine and You are one of the strongest women I know and I think that having your weak moments only makes you a better person.... even if you feel like wringing her neck every other day!
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